On Second Thought

And we're back!

2010-11-19T12:51:00.000-05:00

Aloooha world!
So its been a very busy 7 months, and I have been full to the brim busy!
Well school is still pushing forward, and Im very close to graduating and becoming a fully Licenced Massage Therapist!
So thats been whats taking all my time, lately, so I havent been in the mood to write due to all the studies, massage and review!

But I will be making updated changes more frequently now, going forward, so stay tuned and thanks for reading!

Crystal

18 Days to Hawaii and counting!!!

2010-04-25T21:38:00.000-04:00

I am so excited! I have been dying to go to HI ever since I was a little girl! More than me wanting to visit Egypt, and that's saying something lol.
I am so excited to see what it really is like.
A little bit about what I know about HI:

Newest of the 50 states
Largest active volcanic chain in the world
Highest production of macadamia nuts, pineapples, and sugarcane
Popular languages are Tagalog, Japanese, and Ilokano
Its GORGEOUS!!!

Cant decide what to pack! I know its going to be amazing!

Check out Assessing Airport Security | iHaveNet

2010-02-05T09:10:00.001-05:00

I want you to take a look at: Assessing Airport Security | iHaveNet

I Am A Joyous, Open, Vulnerable Woman!

2010-01-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

I just checked my mail a little while ago (thanks to a tip from my wonderful classmate Nish), and I realized I had finally received my grades! Woohoo! The anticipation was over! And it was starting to grate on me, since we start the new Tri-mester on Monday!
But as I opened the envelope, there was still a little worry... did I do well enough on this class? Did I pass that final? How did I do on that last paper?
And when I looked at the grades, what I saw gave me cause to jump up and down!
2 As (A, A-) and 2 Bs (B+, B)! Oh Boy! Happy! Exstatic! Joy! Woohoo!
Going to relish the time, and get ready for the coming school term ahead!

2010 Forecast for Cancer - Lets hope its good!

2009-12-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

Cancer Outlook for 2010Cancer

6/22 – 7/22

Year 2010 Overview

One thing that all Crabs (astrological Cancers or the seafood type of crab) know deep in their hearts is that someone, somewhere out there knows how great it would be to bust them wide open and eat them with melted butter. The big news for you this year, Cancer, is that Pluto has moved into your Seventh House, which rules marriage, partnerships and close relationships. This means that someone may very well be cracking your heart open in the next year.

Cancer has a bit of a reputation for enjoying doom and gloom. You don't. You just seem to get more than your fair share of it. It must be that thick shell of yours. Everyone assumes you can just take it.

The good news is that you earned that reputation because you can take it, and more. And often, your greatest moments come when you have overcome the greatest obstacles. Thankfully, the roadblocks you face in 2010 won't be that devastating, but they'll certainly give you an opportunity to shine. New support and new energy will be entering your life from unexpected and overlooked people and things, and you'll be able to soar above it all!

Ramadan 2009 - Day 1

2009-08-22T11:52:00.002-04:00

The one day I try not to get out of bed before 12, my body is compelling me to move!
Oh sure, the first morning thanks are important, but after that, its best I go back to bed, because lets face it: if I'm up that early these days, I'm probably going to go get something to eat and thats kinda defeating the purpose right now.

I am committed to completing this year's Ramadan in full spirit.
My intention is to learn as much Quran as possible, and to cleanse myself.
Also, I am looking forward to the Zakat portion, as it is like a fire lit under me these past few weeks (thanks to Momentum)

Inshallah, I will make it thru today without incident, and once I do, I will be able to go the next day, and the next...

All praises due to Allah, all faults belong to me.

Your Inactions Are Showing!

2009-03-16T13:15:00.002-04:00

I was just reading an article today about whether or not a guy will really marry a girl or not.
This has me internally laughing, because it didnt mention the most important part of this issue:
INACTION

If the guy isnt making any moves or developments, whether its just a standard stall technique, or if he is completely inactive on anything that helps the progression of the relationship, then you have your answer!

I have noticed that men are social creatures to a certain extent. Not all of them are going to get struck by the "settle down and breed" bug, some are just completely ok with going the bee route (flower to flower) and not sticking to any one person after a certain amount of time.
And not to say that there's anything wrong, because some women are the same way.

The point is that their inactions sometimes speak louder than any other actions or tactics mentioned in the above linked article.

Beautiful Day

2009-03-15T23:34:00.002-04:00

Today I went to the Museum of Natural History with my mom. I know! Here I am, 29 years old, and going to the museum with my fabulous 50+ mom lol
But it was a good day! Hell, it was a great day!
The weather was really nice, the sun didnt blind me, but the cold didnt make me shiver.
I took photos, ooh'd and aah'd at things I've seen about a dozen or so times as a kid, and just recently as early this month. Since my mom hadnt been to the museum in years, it was all kind of new again for her.

After milling around a bit thru the dinosaurs, mineral samples, native expedition trips and animals stuffed into dioramas, we took a short walk to the local street fair.
Checked out some jewelry, rugs and stuff. Next we went to Shake Shack (which was like heaven in upper west for me!) and had a burger and fries.

Next stop was to William Sonoma which, lets face it, anyone who knows me, knows I love baking! is like a candy shop for me! I got a new set of mixing bowls, glass, and they were a bargain!

Went home after that, and logged in to work, but that didnt get me down.
My workload wasnt as heavy/tainted as normal, so I think this was overall a beautiful day :)
Even now, its at the end, and I am still smiling

Faith is a Funny Thing...

2009-03-15T00:40:00.002-04:00

For ever one belief, there is a counter belief

I find that this is more true when religion is brought into play
But belief does not always need to be associated with religion
It is just a matter of faith
Faith in oneself
Faith in others
Faith in a higher power
Faith in knowing
Faith in not knowing
Faith in Faith

There are so many tihngs to believe and believe in, no matter what the reason or cause
And when someone has a 'crisis of faith' it could mean alot of things

Last night, I had a crisis of belief, not in anything religious, or even personal
I remembered why I do not like to go "out" into social situations where there is drinking
I dont drink, but I do not push my beliefs on others, as I would not wish them to put themselves upon me
I was talking to someone who mocked me, openly, for the first time in ages
Now I am one who can take it as well as dish it, but here was a complete stranger, without knowing my reasoning or caring, talking down on my personal preference
Had he simply walked away, it would have been no problem
As it was, he proceded to go on about the pros of recreational drinking
To which I replied "IF that is what you belief, that is fine. I do not choose to believe that for my own personal reasons. I respect your choice"
But this did not sit well with this person, who refused to just agree to disagree
At that point, I was forced to walk away before losing my personal restraint.
But it was a solid reminder...

My faith held me, and particularly my fists, in check
This is funny to me, because as of late, Ive found myself in situations where I have not hesitated to tell someone what was exactly on my mind
But I took the high road... Not to say I havent in the past but it was just a quick reminder

He Who Must Not Be Named

2009-03-09T00:58:00.002-04:00

I notice that there is a trend...
That there is always someone who 'must not be named" because of one reason or another
And I find this to be true of life in general

Take for example that in all things related to people and relationships, whether friendships, romances or just random chance encounters, there are one of three emotions that can be associated with the connections formed with new acquaintances:

Positive
Ambiguous
Negative

In the positive category, we are always quick to name those things that make the associated relation (friend, lover, relative, kind stranger, etc) based on their traits and characteristics, if not in name alone

In the ambiguous category, we neither feel extremes of either positive or negative influences in our opinions, or at least not enough to sway our stance in most cases. Should that change, however, then a person placed originally in the ambiguous category gets moved to one of the other two.

And then we have the negative, which always inspires more names than one would like to ever admit uttering in most cases. Yet, simply, we tend to remove the name of those who have been placed in this category, not out of fear, but perhaps regret...sadness...pain...

I have my own list of nameless, who shall remain so...
Yet these nameless are not all negatively influenced...ok, 99% are, but that 1% that is in this category, who began as an ambiguous anonymity...and remains this way... they will not go named as a reminder...
All the rest are nameless to me and me alone. Their names have no power or currency here.

Do you match?

2009-02-25T10:26:00.000-05:00

I had to repost this from the Y! website, very very very interesting:

There is something exhilarating about taking the big leap from dating to becoming a permanent "item" and making that final commitment. But before you run off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.
As a divorce attorney, I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional. I ask my clients to take a close look at each of these categories to determine if there are major conflicts, not only with his or her chosen mate but also conflicts within themselves.
Have you found the right person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.
1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal responsibility.
2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've decided against having children." You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.
3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?
4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.
5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.
6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.
7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.
8. How does my mate deal with a "screwup?" Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.

Just Not That Into You...Or Me!

2009-02-19T21:33:00.002-05:00

It is too easy to say that men are all evil...
that they are all after just the one thing
then comes a shining light, one man who is full of such goodness,
and good intentions that it makes you pause...just a moment..
before you realize that this man is either
gay, married, or just not that into you...or me!

Thinking...always thinking

2009-02-16T21:20:00.003-05:00

More and more I find myself withdrawing... thinking
Just not saying the first thing that comes to mind, for a change, when it comes to my personal relationships with people. Not sure how or why I am doing this.
I guess its just something that I need to do.

I spoke to the "Other" last night, but I guess it would be today...sort of.
And while part of me is glad that the "other" has their own ringtone, i hope it doesnt make me dislike the song because of my sometimes not too shiny-happy feelings toward the other.
Sigh...I dont know whats going on in my head
I know I am an emotional creature
And I know I forgive easily...too easily sometimes.

Uggghhhh I need to go somewhere... I need to go somewhere thats warm, with sand and ocean, and palm trees and places where I can sit back and read all day.
I need to do this...before I crack...
before its too late for me

Letting Go Of The Emotional Rollercoaster

2009-02-09T18:04:00.005-05:00

I want to just be done with this "chapter" of my life...
Last year I met someone who was very much in tune with me...
We got along great, had a lot of the same views but were very different in other ways so it wasnt awkward.
But there were so many problems:

Distance - long distance doesnt work for me, especially since I dont drive
Children - never had a successful relationship where there were kids involved because there's always either baby-mama drama or some other issue related
Pre-existing Personal Issue - wont go into detail

But these things, I was willing to put aside, and even accept.
Problem was he couldnt handle it... and I wouldnt let go at first...

Now I'm ready to let go, and I feel like I'm being led along, strung along...

And I hate it! Because its like Im letting myself fall back into this Twilight Zone of mis-proportioned-emotions...
I can't wait for the ride to stop so I can get off already... I feel like I'm going to vomit if it doesnt slow down soon.

The downfall of being an empath is that the emotions we feel arent always our own... and there's not always a good way to control how we feel when we feel what we feel. I wish there was a mute button.

And good grief what is up with Pandora today?!?!?! Im writing how I want to fall out of love, and the friggin player starts playing "Lovefool" by the Cardigans... jeez

Serenity and Shakespeare remembered

2009-02-08T22:34:00.003-05:00

Its after 10 o'clock...and I dont know where my children are!
Oh wait...I forgot...I dont have any children.
I was watching television, and a show thats coming up, and the tag line for the commercial was
"O what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"
I dont think I will ever forget that line, or why I will never forget it
My old Shakespeare teacher, caught me in a lie about something, and I had to write out 100 times that phrase. And then I had to write a reason for why I had to write it! As though the lines themselves werent enough!

But it makes me remember why its important to be as truthful as possible. The web of lies that can ensnare us all, have the ability to choke those who become entangled.

That web is closing in on me, but not because of the lies I have told... but more along the lies I think have been told to me

Another phrase that struck me this weekend was this:
"In order to stay in love with someone you have to fall in love over and over again"

That is so true. It kind of goes hand in hand with lasting forever, the whole "making the love last" motif. And it reminded me of the saying "A man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man for the love to really work"...

Too many things to think about... i think i'll stop now

Karen's Baby Shower!

2009-01-25T12:29:00.005-05:00

So I went to my friend Karen's baby shower yesterday, and it was fun, actually. At first no one was there, because lets face it, you put 3:00 PM on an invite, that means people are going to show up about 6. That was exactly what happened. Its like those movies, where no one comes together, but everyone happens to show up at the same time.

And Karen's friend Leslie put it all together so nicely so here are some pics:

Equus (On Broadway)

2009-01-12T06:45:00.003-05:00

I just saw Equus last night, and I had Stage Seats! They were actually really good because you get to look down on the play like in an amphitheatre! It was brilliant! Richard Griffiths was rivoting, and Daniel was very powerful in the role. I've heard and seen reviews from other people claiming his performance wasnt all that great, but I beg to differ! And I love the fact that when they took their curtain call, the acknowledged the stage seats as well with a bow! That was fun, as they waved to each of our sections in turn in earnest. And afterward, because we were in stage seats and got out long after the barracades had filled with fans waiting to have autographs and photos, I went across the street to wait, and hope I could get a picture at least from a distance. Dan came out first and signed a few autographs, smiled, let people snap photos, and generally talked to people. He seemed very cordial, and happy to see everyone outside. As I headed down the block (since I wasnt getting an autograph, I left) I made it to the corner, and looked back and saw him get into the car to be driven off. As the car pulled to the corner, I waved, and I could just barely make out 2 waving hands through front of the car as I passed in front to cross the street. That was very nice of him.

As for the play itself, it was very interesting!

Friggin Stalkers...

2009-01-04T00:08:00.002-05:00

ok seriously, since when is it ok to call someone continuously, and hang up?
and the whole restricted/private call bit is old, like dusty, old
give me a break!

Ive been getting calls from restricted numbers as of late, and I can only think of one person who it could be. anyone who calls and hangs up, is a coward!
Its one thing if the person calls, and no one picks up the phone...
Its a whole other thing to just call, wait for the person to pick up, and shuffle around/breathe heavy/etc and then hang up

If you want to hear my voice, I have voicemail
or better yet, say something!

frigging stalking cowards

Cancer Overview for 2009 - Who Knows

2009-01-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

Yearly Overview for Cancer provided by Astrology.com
Today, January 03, 2009, 2:37:30 PM
Year 2009 OverviewProvided by Astrology.com

Cancer
As we enter the Golden Age of Aquarius, you are ready to receive all the blessings that are there for you, especially in the areas of communications and relationships.
Being understood and getting the responses you desire helps you believe in your ability to succeed and reach your highest potential. Your focus is excellent, and you know what you want. Use this to your advantage when working with others, but don't demand that they see your ideas as visionary -- even if you do. As ideas start flowing freely to you, make sure you articulate your insights clearly.
This year, you will be strongly motivated by transformation, especially in romantic unions. When balanced in your heart and mind, you easily express your emotions and are quick to support others. It is important for you to have a partner who is willing to explore different ways of doing things. You will experience many changes as you learn new ways of expressing yourself.
As you make this shift, avoid putting restrictions on yourself and stopping the flow. You are learning to behave in a new positive way, not worrying about the outcome. This will curb your need to control situations and enable you to take your relationships -- work and personal -- to a higher level of consciousness.

More from Astrology.com

The New Year

2009-01-02T16:49:00.003-05:00

So after taking a few days off from the blogs, and from work for that matter, Im taking up the proverbial pen once again lol.
I took today off as a "floating holiday" in the pretense of having a four day weekend. Im glad for it, because I got to rest and relax.
From what I had heard, its dull as all hell in the office, with only the occassional crazy person calling in to gripe about this or that.

I do, however, look forward to my weekend, Im going to be seeing some friends whom I have not seen in a long time, so thats going to be fun!

Matrimonial Nightmare

2008-12-26T09:33:00.002-05:00

I just woke up from what should have been the best dream ever, but instead was one of my worst nightmares. No amount of lucid dreaming could save me from it. Not even knowing that it was just a dream was enough for me. My every fear about marriage was manifest in this one simple, yet complicated dream. Im hurrying to document it before it fades.

The first thing I remember was sitting on a park bench with a woman I did not recognize, but who I was obviously close friends with, because we were chatting about rather personal things.
It was dark then light then dark. Someone comes up from behind me and taps me on the shoulder rather roughly, so I turn, and look up, and its a rather heavy set man, in a suit, of sorts. Hes stumbling just slightly, so I figure he's been drinking. He asks me where the bathroom is, and at first Im too shocked to say anything, but inside I know I have to tell him to go as far from me as possible. So I point in the opposite direction from where I am sitting, and tell him its that way. He stumbles like he's about to go that way, I turn back around, but he's still there, talking to me, slurring more like it. And going on about how if he goes over there, and someone asks him how he knew where to go, he's going to tell them I sent him. I shrug, not caring, as long as he was far away from me.

The dream then skips to me on a bus, and there's a sudden dark shadow overhead, the bus detours down a one way street, then crashes into a wall. I jump out, after I realize Im not hurt, and run for it, because dark cloud cover overhead, and people running in the streets, my first thought is that there are aliens hovering, I mean come on, I live in NY, so we're prime target number one. Next thing I know, Im walking down Webster Avenue, and then I stop at what appears to be a theatre (which there is none on that street). I see my friend, the one I was talking to the night before, and we go in. Im wondering at this point "am I in a play, that would explain the conversation about dresses the night before". But turns out that its a wedding rehearsal, and not just anyone's wedding, my wedding! Now this is cause for alarm, because most of the faces on the groom's side are not known to me at all, and only a few of the people supposed to be here for me are familiar, not enough so that I can place an exact face or name, but just that feeling one gets of knowing someone.
So my senses are tingling, and all kinds of bad feelings are popping up, because I dont have any idea who Im supposed to be marrying. And no one has allowed me to see the groom. We're standing there in rehearsals, and I cant even see his face, much less his frame, or tell which of the men who is standing there, is my soon to be betrothed.
Suddenly someone on the groom's side stands up waving a cell phone, saying that someone on that side of the family passed away the other night. And someone says something about a funeral has to happen, and that why dont we do it in the same place/day as the wedding. At this point I had feared my mom was nowhere to be found, but she spokeup and said "are you out of your bleeping mind?!?" (good old mom good for putting it straight) so I run looking for her, and finally find her. Only the scene changes again, and this time, its the funeral, and I can almost see who the groom is, but then that fog appears, that doesnt allow me access. Everyone's crying, and I look to see who was in the casket, and it was the guy who had asked me where the bathroom was, the big guy from the park! Apparently that wasnt him being drunk, but he was shot with a low calibre weapon, so being a big dude, he may not have realized how bad he was hurt, and it took the bullets a long time to hit something major. Part of me was sad, but a huge part was relieved that he wasnt the groom! He was rather rude, and something about him screamed "no no no no no" in my head.
Then we're on to the next day, Im sitting in what looks like a hotel room, or at least a room thats just done up like one, and there are two kittens (damn commercials while im sleeping, filtering in im sure) and my friend from the other two days, is there, helping me get dressed. I cant even see my dress clearly, I just know its in 2 parts. The first part is the main part, and then there's this big puffy bottom part that is detachable so that I can move around without it when its time to go. Hopefully this is my failsafe, in case I decide to pull a runaway bride routine, which at this point is not out of the question. Ive managed to sneak downstairs and try and peak at the groom again, but still nothing.
Then the wedding march starts, and all these people are marching down the stairs, supposedly my bridal party, but I barely recognize the faces. My step dad is no where to be found, and he's supposed to be walking me down the stairs. So instead, the dude who played Huggy Bear from those 70s movies walks me down, and I get to the stage/pulpit. There must have been a commercial for some cookbook, because suddenly, everyone is happy they are getting a free cook book, thanks to the groom's family (so apprently Im marrying the heir of the mrs. dash fortune or lowrys, who the hell knows!)
So just as they're about to ask me to say my lines, I have already made up in my head that before I say anything, I need to see for myself, who it will be Im saying it to...
and just as Im about to demand that, there's a loud bang behind me, and I turn, and there are cookbooks and favors flying everywhere!
I wake up then, shaken, trying to catch my breath, because of the almost happening.

my mind if made up now, I have to get back on the lucid dreaming track, because now that Im dreaming again, I cant have them running amock!

Mirthless Musings...

2008-12-25T20:06:00.003-05:00

So its Xmas day... and frankly I am, once again, not impressed.

All the commercialism made me turn from it a long time ago. So this is nothing new.
I love my family, but Ive never felt the need to express myself through one particular day of gift giving, based on the presumption of others. Birthdays are one thing, but this is a whole other story.

Im normally not so grinchy around the holidays, since I've never really been the cheery-lets-go-carrolling-and-kiss-under-the-mistletoe type of girl. Ive never really had a reason to be. Looking back, I can scarecely remember a good xmas... One year I spent it with some friends out of town, that was cool. I can not remember having spent it with a significant other and their family, not even when I was involved around the holiday.

I guess, if Im honest with myself, that this is the reason I've never been much for this season. Because as grateful as I am to have my family, healthy and happy, Ive never allowed myself to be happy. So inside, I stay, in my shell, like a cancer-crab through and through.

Today was no different. I turned off my ringer, and let the texts and voicemail come. I didnt feel the need to talk to anyone today, for fear of ruining their holiday cheer. I envy them for it, but not in a malicious way. Most of my friends are hooked up, married off, or at least blissfully busy with other things, and what kind of friend would I be to take that joy away with my misery.

I am not the norm, because I have no desire for company when I am in this state. Pity only makes me feel worse, nothing like having someone feel sorry for you! ugh! No Thanks!

Needless to say, its my own fault. I just dont know how to deal with it. So I bottle it, because its really all I know. I guess all the years of people telling me that I was "too sensitive" and that "you shouldnt let things bother you so much" made me think "sharing feelings = people thinking you're weak". Far from the truth, I know now, but old habits are very hard to die.

I dont mind. At the very least, I have this blog, which counts for something.

And though the world will never read these words, and really know who I am, I feel some small comfort in that.

My cousin texted me earlier, asking if "Santa had gotten me what I wanted", I replied simply, that I had wanted a quiet day, and got my wish. My mom went down to see my grandmother and brother, my uncle, his wife and son. They have grown used to leaving me alone with my thoughts and wishes to be solitary, chalking it up to my faith as my sole reason for not celebrating the season. But in reality, I've been jaded far longer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So now, I sit here, writing, about to turn to my next book in a moment, to continue re-reading the Twilight series for the 3 or 4 time, Ive already lost count. I got my completed set yesterday, and Im so happy! I am surprised, because the books are actually quite small, by comparison to the books that are sold in the stores. Gotta love the book club for keeping things condensed!

I just finished re-reading Twilight, and Im starting in on New Moon again. I am comforted in this fantasy world, this illusion of true and undying love, meant for young adults. Here I am, on the verge of 30, and reading about teenage love....sigh....

Everyone's Got Something To Add

2008-12-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

Every day this week, when I go to the homepage, I see some new link to some dating site or advice column. Today was certainly no exception, but it was funny, because all these so called tips, are just basic generalities, that could be applied to everything else associated with male/female interaction. But the most disturbing thing I noticed, is the lack of articles addressing the "non-conventional" relationships, and their "how-to"s.
I wonder... is it because these so called articles, supposedly geared toward the general populace, are really trying to persuade people toward the "norm"...
When in actuality, I know more people who reside outside of the safe little box thats painted in these articles. Not to say that their relationships are any easier, having known that side of the gate from personal experience, but to downplay them by not mentioning them at all makes me a little miffed... more than miffed, down right aggitated.
Where are the "So You & Your Guy" - a guy's perspective - articles? Where are the "My Girlfriend and Me" ladies advice columns?
It just doesnt make any sense..
Is the LGBT community really still a dirty little secret that no one is willing to post on the main boards? Not even my own company, which touts tolerance, even going so far as having orgs within for the promotion of Gay/Lesbian/Bi/TransGender rights.... will post anything relative to their issues in the "people's popular front"....sigh

When is the world going to wake up and stop seeing things as black, white, straight.....
There is so much more out there, and so many more things if people just opened their minds...
Sigh

All About The Audiobooks

2008-12-20T20:00:00.000-05:00

So Im finally getting into the whole audiobook experience. I will admit, the first couple of times, I just couldnt bring myself to listen to more than a few mins. I always felt better just reading it for myself. But its really growing on me.
At my friend Roque's suggestion, I decided to download the Twilight Audiobook, and I was skeptical as all hell, because of my past experiences.
But I was blown away! I am right now listening to New Moon, and even though its 14 hours long, I have been enjoying it immensely!
I feel the words scrolling across my closed eyelids, as I sit here listening.
And because Ive seen the movie Twilight, I have all the character faces in my head!
Which is mega cool! Its easier for me to see a movie, then read the book, because then I have a visual picture in my head. Mostly its always been like that for me.
I highly recommend it to anyone who hasnt had the chance to check out this series, even on audiobooks.

Friends, Iraqis, Countrymen... Lend Me Your Shoe!

2008-12-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, Muntadar Al-Zaidi, I salute you!
I meant to write about this before, but have had so many videos and links come across my pages, that I havent had a chance to look at them all...until now!
This clip (above) is by far my favorite, its a "Bud-Light Commercial" spoof, and it definitely goes against the grain (no pun intended)
More clips to come!

Screw the Hawaiian Chair ...

2008-12-18T16:18:00.000-05:00

This is one more gimicky thing I do NOT want to get involved with!!!
This chair looks friggin dangerous as all hell!!!
This chick could barely keep herself upright, much less make it look like she was doing it right!

Just When I Thought It Was Safe...

2008-12-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

... to come out of the kitchen, i get a phone call, from my mom, who just happens to be upstairs, asking me to put down salt. Im like, damn, you cant yell down at the least? Jeez
So I go, toss some salt, fun stuff

Go back into the kitchen and finish baking my muffins and making my mango curry chicken for tomorrow's potluck at work. I know its going to be spicey, but I dont care if anyone doesnt like it. I like it, and since half the lazy mooches on our newly collective "team" arent even bringing anything. If anyone has anything to say negative about my chicken, they can kiss my chicken-making-ass. Period.

Today is just not a good day to be on my bad side.... actually, Im pretty sure the rest of this week aint looking too good for folks either.
Screw em.
Im tired of being the caring/compassionate one.
Im going to give selfish a try, because no one else in this world is looking out for me but me.
And lately, I havent been doing enough of that.
I stuck to my medifast, with a few mis-guided snacks along the way, but luckily nothing that would have derailed me completely.

Sigh....
Im going to bed now, maybe tomorrow will be better... even with the snow slushing up outside.
I did at least get to put in an order for the Twilight book series in Hardcover today, that was my highlight. Im re-reading book 4, falling in love with this story all over again. I have made it a ritual to watch the movie on my ipod daily, as it cheers me up somewhat. Breaking Dawn was by far my favorite book of the series, maybe its because its still fresh, maybe because of all the great things that happened. Im enjoying it again and again.

There Aint No Comedy In This Stand-Up Routine...

2008-12-15T20:46:00.001-05:00

I can not believe I fell for this again. I hate the fact that I care, and let people get close to me. I hate the fact that when I do care and let people get close to me, they turn out to be less.
I took a 3 year break from relationships, drama, headaches, pain, and for what? To realize that all the men who attract themselves to me, are filled with all the things I spent 3 years running and hiding from.
Maybe if I just stopped trying...
Maybe if I go back into the shell I was in, I will be better. I will be fine.
As much as I dont want to be lonely and alone the rest of my life, I'd prefer it to being hurt over and over again.

The latest lie was one I really tried, against my lack of trust in most men in general, to believe! so convincing. He said he would take me out today, to try and make up for some of the things that have been happening...or should I say, NOT happening.
So I didnt think anything of it when I didnt hear anything over the weekend. Last I heard from him, we were still on for today. Lo and behold, the day passes...no call, no text, no anything.
And I know now, that as the 9 o'clock hour approaches, there wont be one.
And that for me is the final straw.

In the words of Gunta, "Up with this shit, I will not put!"

So Bite Me Already... Just Promise To Keep Your Shoes On!

2008-12-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

So first thing this morning when I log in, I find this wonderful quote waiting for me on a Twilight update posting:

"It's weird that you get 8-year-old girls coming up to you saying, 'Can you just bite me? I want you to bite me.'"

That has got to be the funniest thing Ive seen in a while, and I am thankful to say, I am NOT the one who said it!

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On another end of the spectrum of funny stuff to happen, apparently George Bush is back in the news again, angering people, left and right... shoes that is.

When someone throws smelly shoes at you, its time to leave! They are obviously telling you one of two things:
1) Try walking a mile in my sweaty shoes, you smug bastard
or (my personal favorite)
2) I am trying to hit you with my shoes, because, like a dog, you need to be beat!!!!!

Laughter abound at the president's expence: Priceless

Shelf Life...

2008-12-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

SO here is it another day passed on...
I finally got around to getting the shelves from Raquel's apt today, got to see her roomie, she's always so nice! Not to say I thought she was ever anything but lol
It was a pretty quiet day overall. I got to put in my normal OT, put away some boxes in the basement, and just generally rested.

At the moment, Im about to watch The Goonies, and fall asleep before its over
I know this because its become sort of a sleep aide lol
This and "The Mummy" are sure fire ways to get me to knock out these days

Im no Bridget Jones but...

2008-12-13T20:50:00.000-05:00

I just got re-inspired to do the whole 'share your feelings/write it down' bit by

a) reading a friend's new blog, which I see is clearly helping him put down some of his day to day thoughts so he can better organize them

and

b) the very fact that Im watching Bridget Jones, for the umpteenth time

Maybe it is therapeutic to write these things down

I know my head is pretty full these days, with all the bit on about layoffs at work, banks dropping like flies, the economy swirling in a dirty cesspool and oh yea, did I forget to mention that its seriously cold!

I was supposed to have done more with myself by now... but its December, and somehow I dont feel I've even hit my halfway mark yet.

Maybe this is just a revelation... but on second thought, as I write this with my eyes closed, and my head down, I realize that not all of the things that have happened this year are bad or turning toward the worst.

I have a new baby god son, one of my close friends (just found out yesterday) is preggers (which would explain the sudden rash of sympathy eating and bloaty roundness Ive been feeling for the past week) and Ive lost a lot of weight. Not quite at my goal yet, but will be if I can just get it back into my head to do it and stick with it.

Earlier this morning, I attempted to go and get my hair done - just a blow and flat, but the girl was running late. So I stood there in the cool, for 45 mins before giving up, and wouldnt you know it thats the precise time she shows up (after I've already gotten onto the bus, and my hands are just starting to realize that they can pump blood afterall!) She text me at like 10, but then didnt show till 10:45, thats bollocks, because I dont care what kind of traffic (which there was NONE when I took a cab over earlier) there may or may not have been, but its frankly unprofessional to have a client waiting in the freezing cold. Now Ive got a migraine/tension headache the whole day that just wont go away. So instead of giving up totally, I try and go to the salon next door to my house, and that was a huge laughing stock! No way in hell will I ever step foot into that place without my hair being in a desperate emergency! And even then, I would never speak to the woman who I spoke with today... she was utterly rude!

So now I am sitting here with a bird-nest.. but thats not the reason for the nest

I had an unexpected visit today! My friend brought my godson and goddaughter over today, I havent seen them in a year! It was so nice! We played most of the evening, so my hair is in shambles from them playing with me, and in it lol. I love them, and so glad they were able to stop by :)

UGH why wont this damn head ache go away already!!!! And to top it off, tooth-ache building... I dont need this right now, I just want to go to sleep...on second thought... I want to not go to sleep. I want to turn over and read a book... but the only books Im interestesd in Ive just finished reading, and all the copies are with other people. Sigh... I'll have the set soon enough.

So sleep it is...

Maybe this wasnt such a bad idea afterall