Mirthless Musings...

So its Xmas day... and frankly I am, once again, not impressed.

All the commercialism made me turn from it a long time ago. So this is nothing new.
I love my family, but Ive never felt the need to express myself through one particular day of gift giving, based on the presumption of others. Birthdays are one thing, but this is a whole other story.

Im normally not so grinchy around the holidays, since I've never really been the cheery-lets-go-carrolling-and-kiss-under-the-mistletoe type of girl. Ive never really had a reason to be. Looking back, I can scarecely remember a good xmas... One year I spent it with some friends out of town, that was cool. I can not remember having spent it with a significant other and their family, not even when I was involved around the holiday.

I guess, if Im honest with myself, that this is the reason I've never been much for this season. Because as grateful as I am to have my family, healthy and happy, Ive never allowed myself to be happy. So inside, I stay, in my shell, like a cancer-crab through and through.



Today was no different. I turned off my ringer, and let the texts and voicemail come. I didnt feel the need to talk to anyone today, for fear of ruining their holiday cheer. I envy them for it, but not in a malicious way. Most of my friends are hooked up, married off, or at least blissfully busy with other things, and what kind of friend would I be to take that joy away with my misery.

I am not the norm, because I have no desire for company when I am in this state. Pity only makes me feel worse, nothing like having someone feel sorry for you! ugh! No Thanks!



Needless to say, its my own fault. I just dont know how to deal with it. So I bottle it, because its really all I know. I guess all the years of people telling me that I was "too sensitive" and that "you shouldnt let things bother you so much" made me think "sharing feelings = people thinking you're weak". Far from the truth, I know now, but old habits are very hard to die.

I dont mind. At the very least, I have this blog, which counts for something.

And though the world will never read these words, and really know who I am, I feel some small comfort in that.



My cousin texted me earlier, asking if "Santa had gotten me what I wanted", I replied simply, that I had wanted a quiet day, and got my wish. My mom went down to see my grandmother and brother, my uncle, his wife and son. They have grown used to leaving me alone with my thoughts and wishes to be solitary, chalking it up to my faith as my sole reason for not celebrating the season. But in reality, I've been jaded far longer.



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So now, I sit here, writing, about to turn to my next book in a moment, to continue re-reading the Twilight series for the 3 or 4 time, Ive already lost count. I got my completed set yesterday, and Im so happy! I am surprised, because the books are actually quite small, by comparison to the books that are sold in the stores. Gotta love the book club for keeping things condensed!

I just finished re-reading Twilight, and Im starting in on New Moon again. I am comforted in this fantasy world, this illusion of true and undying love, meant for young adults. Here I am, on the verge of 30, and reading about teenage love....sigh....