Matrimonial Nightmare

I just woke up from what should have been the best dream ever, but instead was one of my worst nightmares. No amount of lucid dreaming could save me from it. Not even knowing that it was just a dream was enough for me. My every fear about marriage was manifest in this one simple, yet complicated dream. Im hurrying to document it before it fades.

The first thing I remember was sitting on a park bench with a woman I did not recognize, but who I was obviously close friends with, because we were chatting about rather personal things.
It was dark then light then dark. Someone comes up from behind me and taps me on the shoulder rather roughly, so I turn, and look up, and its a rather heavy set man, in a suit, of sorts. Hes stumbling just slightly, so I figure he's been drinking. He asks me where the bathroom is, and at first Im too shocked to say anything, but inside I know I have to tell him to go as far from me as possible. So I point in the opposite direction from where I am sitting, and tell him its that way. He stumbles like he's about to go that way, I turn back around, but he's still there, talking to me, slurring more like it. And going on about how if he goes over there, and someone asks him how he knew where to go, he's going to tell them I sent him. I shrug, not caring, as long as he was far away from me.

The dream then skips to me on a bus, and there's a sudden dark shadow overhead, the bus detours down a one way street, then crashes into a wall. I jump out, after I realize Im not hurt, and run for it, because dark cloud cover overhead, and people running in the streets, my first thought is that there are aliens hovering, I mean come on, I live in NY, so we're prime target number one. Next thing I know, Im walking down Webster Avenue, and then I stop at what appears to be a theatre (which there is none on that street). I see my friend, the one I was talking to the night before, and we go in. Im wondering at this point "am I in a play, that would explain the conversation about dresses the night before". But turns out that its a wedding rehearsal, and not just anyone's wedding, my wedding! Now this is cause for alarm, because most of the faces on the groom's side are not known to me at all, and only a few of the people supposed to be here for me are familiar, not enough so that I can place an exact face or name, but just that feeling one gets of knowing someone.
So my senses are tingling, and all kinds of bad feelings are popping up, because I dont have any idea who Im supposed to be marrying. And no one has allowed me to see the groom. We're standing there in rehearsals, and I cant even see his face, much less his frame, or tell which of the men who is standing there, is my soon to be betrothed.
Suddenly someone on the groom's side stands up waving a cell phone, saying that someone on that side of the family passed away the other night. And someone says something about a funeral has to happen, and that why dont we do it in the same place/day as the wedding. At this point I had feared my mom was nowhere to be found, but she spokeup and said "are you out of your bleeping mind?!?" (good old mom good for putting it straight) so I run looking for her, and finally find her. Only the scene changes again, and this time, its the funeral, and I can almost see who the groom is, but then that fog appears, that doesnt allow me access. Everyone's crying, and I look to see who was in the casket, and it was the guy who had asked me where the bathroom was, the big guy from the park! Apparently that wasnt him being drunk, but he was shot with a low calibre weapon, so being a big dude, he may not have realized how bad he was hurt, and it took the bullets a long time to hit something major. Part of me was sad, but a huge part was relieved that he wasnt the groom! He was rather rude, and something about him screamed "no no no no no" in my head.
Then we're on to the next day, Im sitting in what looks like a hotel room, or at least a room thats just done up like one, and there are two kittens (damn commercials while im sleeping, filtering in im sure) and my friend from the other two days, is there, helping me get dressed. I cant even see my dress clearly, I just know its in 2 parts. The first part is the main part, and then there's this big puffy bottom part that is detachable so that I can move around without it when its time to go. Hopefully this is my failsafe, in case I decide to pull a runaway bride routine, which at this point is not out of the question. Ive managed to sneak downstairs and try and peak at the groom again, but still nothing.
Then the wedding march starts, and all these people are marching down the stairs, supposedly my bridal party, but I barely recognize the faces. My step dad is no where to be found, and he's supposed to be walking me down the stairs. So instead, the dude who played Huggy Bear from those 70s movies walks me down, and I get to the stage/pulpit. There must have been a commercial for some cookbook, because suddenly, everyone is happy they are getting a free cook book, thanks to the groom's family (so apprently Im marrying the heir of the mrs. dash fortune or lowrys, who the hell knows!)
So just as they're about to ask me to say my lines, I have already made up in my head that before I say anything, I need to see for myself, who it will be Im saying it to...
and just as Im about to demand that, there's a loud bang behind me, and I turn, and there are cookbooks and favors flying everywhere!
I wake up then, shaken, trying to catch my breath, because of the almost happening.

my mind if made up now, I have to get back on the lucid dreaming track, because now that Im dreaming again, I cant have them running amock!

Mirthless Musings...

So its Xmas day... and frankly I am, once again, not impressed.

All the commercialism made me turn from it a long time ago. So this is nothing new.
I love my family, but Ive never felt the need to express myself through one particular day of gift giving, based on the presumption of others. Birthdays are one thing, but this is a whole other story.

Im normally not so grinchy around the holidays, since I've never really been the cheery-lets-go-carrolling-and-kiss-under-the-mistletoe type of girl. Ive never really had a reason to be. Looking back, I can scarecely remember a good xmas... One year I spent it with some friends out of town, that was cool. I can not remember having spent it with a significant other and their family, not even when I was involved around the holiday.

I guess, if Im honest with myself, that this is the reason I've never been much for this season. Because as grateful as I am to have my family, healthy and happy, Ive never allowed myself to be happy. So inside, I stay, in my shell, like a cancer-crab through and through.



Today was no different. I turned off my ringer, and let the texts and voicemail come. I didnt feel the need to talk to anyone today, for fear of ruining their holiday cheer. I envy them for it, but not in a malicious way. Most of my friends are hooked up, married off, or at least blissfully busy with other things, and what kind of friend would I be to take that joy away with my misery.

I am not the norm, because I have no desire for company when I am in this state. Pity only makes me feel worse, nothing like having someone feel sorry for you! ugh! No Thanks!



Needless to say, its my own fault. I just dont know how to deal with it. So I bottle it, because its really all I know. I guess all the years of people telling me that I was "too sensitive" and that "you shouldnt let things bother you so much" made me think "sharing feelings = people thinking you're weak". Far from the truth, I know now, but old habits are very hard to die.

I dont mind. At the very least, I have this blog, which counts for something.

And though the world will never read these words, and really know who I am, I feel some small comfort in that.



My cousin texted me earlier, asking if "Santa had gotten me what I wanted", I replied simply, that I had wanted a quiet day, and got my wish. My mom went down to see my grandmother and brother, my uncle, his wife and son. They have grown used to leaving me alone with my thoughts and wishes to be solitary, chalking it up to my faith as my sole reason for not celebrating the season. But in reality, I've been jaded far longer.



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So now, I sit here, writing, about to turn to my next book in a moment, to continue re-reading the Twilight series for the 3 or 4 time, Ive already lost count. I got my completed set yesterday, and Im so happy! I am surprised, because the books are actually quite small, by comparison to the books that are sold in the stores. Gotta love the book club for keeping things condensed!

I just finished re-reading Twilight, and Im starting in on New Moon again. I am comforted in this fantasy world, this illusion of true and undying love, meant for young adults. Here I am, on the verge of 30, and reading about teenage love....sigh....

Everyone's Got Something To Add

Every day this week, when I go to the homepage, I see some new link to some dating site or advice column. Today was certainly no exception, but it was funny, because all these so called tips, are just basic generalities, that could be applied to everything else associated with male/female interaction. But the most disturbing thing I noticed, is the lack of articles addressing the "non-conventional" relationships, and their "how-to"s.
I wonder... is it because these so called articles, supposedly geared toward the general populace, are really trying to persuade people toward the "norm"...
When in actuality, I know more people who reside outside of the safe little box thats painted in these articles. Not to say that their relationships are any easier, having known that side of the gate from personal experience, but to downplay them by not mentioning them at all makes me a little miffed... more than miffed, down right aggitated.
Where are the "So You & Your Guy" - a guy's perspective - articles? Where are the "My Girlfriend and Me" ladies advice columns?
It just doesnt make any sense..
Is the LGBT community really still a dirty little secret that no one is willing to post on the main boards? Not even my own company, which touts tolerance, even going so far as having orgs within for the promotion of Gay/Lesbian/Bi/TransGender rights.... will post anything relative to their issues in the "people's popular front"....sigh

When is the world going to wake up and stop seeing things as black, white, straight.....
There is so much more out there, and so many more things if people just opened their minds...
Sigh

All About The Audiobooks

So Im finally getting into the whole audiobook experience. I will admit, the first couple of times, I just couldnt bring myself to listen to more than a few mins. I always felt better just reading it for myself. But its really growing on me.
At my friend Roque's suggestion, I decided to download the Twilight Audiobook, and I was skeptical as all hell, because of my past experiences.
But I was blown away! I am right now listening to New Moon, and even though its 14 hours long, I have been enjoying it immensely!
I feel the words scrolling across my closed eyelids, as I sit here listening.
And because Ive seen the movie Twilight, I have all the character faces in my head!
Which is mega cool! Its easier for me to see a movie, then read the book, because then I have a visual picture in my head. Mostly its always been like that for me.
I highly recommend it to anyone who hasnt had the chance to check out this series, even on audiobooks.

Friends, Iraqis, Countrymen... Lend Me Your Shoe!

Ok, Muntadar Al-Zaidi, I salute you!
I meant to write about this before, but have had so many videos and links come across my pages, that I havent had a chance to look at them all...until now!
This clip (above) is by far my favorite, its a "Bud-Light Commercial" spoof, and it definitely goes against the grain (no pun intended)
More clips to come!

Screw the Hawaiian Chair ...

This is one more gimicky thing I do NOT want to get involved with!!!
This chair looks friggin dangerous as all hell!!!
This chick could barely keep herself upright, much less make it look like she was doing it right!

Just When I Thought It Was Safe...

... to come out of the kitchen, i get a phone call, from my mom, who just happens to be upstairs, asking me to put down salt. Im like, damn, you cant yell down at the least? Jeez
So I go, toss some salt, fun stuff

Go back into the kitchen and finish baking my muffins and making my mango curry chicken for tomorrow's potluck at work. I know its going to be spicey, but I dont care if anyone doesnt like it. I like it, and since half the lazy mooches on our newly collective "team" arent even bringing anything. If anyone has anything to say negative about my chicken, they can kiss my chicken-making-ass. Period.

Today is just not a good day to be on my bad side.... actually, Im pretty sure the rest of this week aint looking too good for folks either.
Screw em.
Im tired of being the caring/compassionate one.
Im going to give selfish a try, because no one else in this world is looking out for me but me.
And lately, I havent been doing enough of that.
I stuck to my medifast, with a few mis-guided snacks along the way, but luckily nothing that would have derailed me completely.

Sigh....
Im going to bed now, maybe tomorrow will be better... even with the snow slushing up outside.
I did at least get to put in an order for the Twilight book series in Hardcover today, that was my highlight. Im re-reading book 4, falling in love with this story all over again. I have made it a ritual to watch the movie on my ipod daily, as it cheers me up somewhat. Breaking Dawn was by far my favorite book of the series, maybe its because its still fresh, maybe because of all the great things that happened. Im enjoying it again and again.

There Aint No Comedy In This Stand-Up Routine...

I can not believe I fell for this again. I hate the fact that I care, and let people get close to me. I hate the fact that when I do care and let people get close to me, they turn out to be less.
I took a 3 year break from relationships, drama, headaches, pain, and for what? To realize that all the men who attract themselves to me, are filled with all the things I spent 3 years running and hiding from.
Maybe if I just stopped trying...
Maybe if I go back into the shell I was in, I will be better. I will be fine.
As much as I dont want to be lonely and alone the rest of my life, I'd prefer it to being hurt over and over again.

The latest lie was one I really tried, against my lack of trust in most men in general, to believe! so convincing. He said he would take me out today, to try and make up for some of the things that have been happening...or should I say, NOT happening.
So I didnt think anything of it when I didnt hear anything over the weekend. Last I heard from him, we were still on for today. Lo and behold, the day passes...no call, no text, no anything.
And I know now, that as the 9 o'clock hour approaches, there wont be one.
And that for me is the final straw.

In the words of Gunta, "Up with this shit, I will not put!"

So Bite Me Already... Just Promise To Keep Your Shoes On!

So first thing this morning when I log in, I find this wonderful quote waiting for me on a Twilight update posting:

"It's weird that you get 8-year-old girls coming up to you saying, 'Can you just bite me? I want you to bite me.'"

That has got to be the funniest thing Ive seen in a while, and I am thankful to say, I am NOT the one who said it!

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On another end of the spectrum of funny stuff to happen, apparently George Bush is back in the news again, angering people, left and right... shoes that is.


When someone throws smelly shoes at you, its time to leave! They are obviously telling you one of two things:
1) Try walking a mile in my sweaty shoes, you smug bastard
or (my personal favorite)
2) I am trying to hit you with my shoes, because, like a dog, you need to be beat!!!!!

Laughter abound at the president's expence: Priceless

Shelf Life...

SO here is it another day passed on...
I finally got around to getting the shelves from Raquel's apt today, got to see her roomie, she's always so nice! Not to say I thought she was ever anything but lol
It was a pretty quiet day overall. I got to put in my normal OT, put away some boxes in the basement, and just generally rested.

At the moment, Im about to watch The Goonies, and fall asleep before its over
I know this because its become sort of a sleep aide lol
This and "The Mummy" are sure fire ways to get me to knock out these days

Im no Bridget Jones but...

I just got re-inspired to do the whole 'share your feelings/write it down' bit by

a) reading a friend's new blog, which I see is clearly helping him put down some of his day to day thoughts so he can better organize them

and

b) the very fact that Im watching Bridget Jones, for the umpteenth time

Maybe it is therapeutic to write these things down

I know my head is pretty full these days, with all the bit on about layoffs at work, banks dropping like flies, the economy swirling in a dirty cesspool and oh yea, did I forget to mention that its seriously cold!

I was supposed to have done more with myself by now... but its December, and somehow I dont feel I've even hit my halfway mark yet.

Maybe this is just a revelation... but on second thought, as I write this with my eyes closed, and my head down, I realize that not all of the things that have happened this year are bad or turning toward the worst.

I have a new baby god son, one of my close friends (just found out yesterday) is preggers (which would explain the sudden rash of sympathy eating and bloaty roundness Ive been feeling for the past week) and Ive lost a lot of weight. Not quite at my goal yet, but will be if I can just get it back into my head to do it and stick with it.

Earlier this morning, I attempted to go and get my hair done - just a blow and flat, but the girl was running late. So I stood there in the cool, for 45 mins before giving up, and wouldnt you know it thats the precise time she shows up (after I've already gotten onto the bus, and my hands are just starting to realize that they can pump blood afterall!) She text me at like 10, but then didnt show till 10:45, thats bollocks, because I dont care what kind of traffic (which there was NONE when I took a cab over earlier) there may or may not have been, but its frankly unprofessional to have a client waiting in the freezing cold. Now Ive got a migraine/tension headache the whole day that just wont go away. So instead of giving up totally, I try and go to the salon next door to my house, and that was a huge laughing stock! No way in hell will I ever step foot into that place without my hair being in a desperate emergency! And even then, I would never speak to the woman who I spoke with today... she was utterly rude!

So now I am sitting here with a bird-nest.. but thats not the reason for the nest

I had an unexpected visit today! My friend brought my godson and goddaughter over today, I havent seen them in a year! It was so nice! We played most of the evening, so my hair is in shambles from them playing with me, and in it lol. I love them, and so glad they were able to stop by :)

UGH why wont this damn head ache go away already!!!! And to top it off, tooth-ache building... I dont need this right now, I just want to go to sleep...on second thought... I want to not go to sleep. I want to turn over and read a book... but the only books Im interestesd in Ive just finished reading, and all the copies are with other people. Sigh... I'll have the set soon enough.

So sleep it is...

Maybe this wasnt such a bad idea afterall